Author: admin

I suppose this is where the journey ends. As memories of my solo pilgrimage start to fade, I can’t help but wonder what life will be like back in the working world. I’ve had more freedom than I could shake a stick at for the past year. Some freedom was amazing, and some was terrifying. Everyone asks the same questions: What was your favorite place you visited? What was your least favorite place you visited? Would you go again? That last one I think is silly. Go again? Hell no. Now I might go hike the Appalachian Trail, or try my hand at the Pacific Crest Trail, or do some long camping trips through the Sierra Nevada range, but drive the whole country again? Nope. Is it something everyone should try at least once? Maybe. This shit was intense, expensive, and soul breaking at times. But on the other hand, it was an amazing lesson on self-preservation that I never thought would be important to take. But it was.

I’d like to take this last blog to thank the folks who helped make this happen. First, my wife Cas. I have no clue how this all could have happened without her support. Not only did she not leave me when I decided to take a solo trip, she flew her ass out to Alaska just to marry me! She endured mosquito filled nights, Walmart parking lots, and creepy bear encounters just to spend some time with me. She also endured many nights without communication, and more than acceptable amounts of worry. For that, I’m sorry. Regardless, she stuck through with me. Flying me home on occasion to make sure she doesn’t forget what I look like. I could never ask for anything more.

Next up, my pops. Dad never really wanted me to leave. He never does. But, he allowed it as long as I took my Garmin device which he paid for. He paid for not only the device but also the service that allowed me to send points and text messages to him and Cas. This allowed me to have way more communication with them than I would have with just a cell phone. It also saved my life with giving me directions more times than I can count. Lost in the backwoods of Death Valley? Garmin can get you out. Not sure where to find water? Yup, Garmin slowly hands you a glass of Brita filtered H20 while it kindly guides you to the nearest stream. You get the idea. Dad was supportive of me going as long as I checked in regularly, which I did. Thanks dad!

Next up, I have my sis Laura. She let me crash at her place in San Diego for a week. That week of being inside, cleaning gear, working on the truck, and fattening up is exactly what I needed to get myself reinvigorated for the rest of my journey. Oh did I also mention the kitty snuggles? Those snuggles were on point! I also commadered her Costco card which helped me fuel up with cheap healthy goods before hitting the desert. Thanks Laura, you were a life saver.

After family, well, maybe still family, I have to thank Felicia and Greg. They took me in on the first leg of my trip in Austin, TX. I got the best tour of the city and surrounding attractions, plus my own comfortable room. It was a fantastic start to the journey that pushed me to actually continue driving on. On top of that, while I was in TX, Felicia booked her plane ticket to meet me in Calgary, AB and a ticket out of Jackson Hole, WY. Well shit, now I HAVE to do my trip. This was a great motivator to never give up. And you know what, the times Felicia was with me at Glacier NP and the Tentons were some of the most amazing. I love her like a sister. Thank you FiFi.

Another vital pitstop I made along the trip with a good friend was to see Brittney and her wife Diana. I had my own room, homemade meals, and a personal travel assistant with my good friend B. We took a trip to the Oregon Coast to see bunnies, checked out breweries in downtown Portland, and even drove along the Columbia River Gorge to see waterfalls during rainbow season. What a treat! I had an amazing time checking out the Pacific Northwest during some pretty amazing weather with some amazing people. I even got to try out some cooking techniques while camping along an amazing clear river. B and Diana showed some amazing hospitality, and I am extremely grateful for the time spent with them.

Next up on the list is my buddy Matt, who gave me a place to crash in Seattle. On top of a sweet place to stay in Alki Beach, he also gave me a personal tour of the Amazon Spheres, where he works as a horticulturist. We walked the town, played with dogs on their death beds, ate amazing thai food, and just caught up on what we had been doing with our lives. Thanks Matt, I had a an awesome time in a place I really didn’t even think I was going to visit. PS the weather in Seattle is amazing, don’t believe the bullshit.

So the west coast was cool, but I had to travel some areas that were not exactly places I thought I would enjoy. Those places included much of the midwest… Iowa, Nebraska, Illinois… Ugh. If you live in any of those places (not Chicago), and are over the age of 18, just leave. Get out. There are roads everywhere. Just get on one going away from your shit of a state and get the heck out of there!! I did get to visit one of my buddies in Omaha Nebraska. Lisa and her wife Miranda took me into their home and showed me the best parts of Omaha. This city is an oasis of diversity in a larger pool of red. I really enjoyed meeting cool, open, and educated people in this town. There was so much to offer in terms of beer, good food, and night life that I never knew existed. Lisa and Miranda, thank you for letting me stay with you. I loved catching up, and spending time watching esoteric comedies and reminiscing about our soccer glory days. I miss you both!

As I was leaving the midwest, I got a chance to stay at my cousin’s house in Chicago. I had never been to Chicago, and really wasn’t planning on visiting such a large city, but if I was going to be passing so close I really wanted to make and effort to visit him and his wife. So, I drop in to Chicago and chill with my cousin John for a bit and play with some adorable animals. We went to a brewery, got some bomb pizza, and just got a chance to catch up. And I loved it. So thankful I had a big city sherpa to guide me around Chicago for a night.

I didn’t make too many friends on this trip unfortunately…. When you’re boondocking in the wilderness, you’re actively avoiding folks. You want to be alone. Because maybe that one person you run into is awesome and has a similar lifestyle, or maybe it’s a runaway convict who wants to wear your skin like a silky coat. Regardless, you’re weary of other people, and other people are weary of you. Now when there’s 10 feet of snow on the ground, and the only place to “camp” is a cleared parking lot, you’re pushed into a small area with other crazy people camping in 10 feet of snow. This is how I met Dave and Carole. The most ridiculous happy hour on record will forever be remembered. We also got to meet up a second time at Redwoods, and they spoiled me with drinks and food. Thank y’all for giving me a temporary family while on my trip. I had a blast!

Next up, I got to meet up with an old work friend in the the upper peninsula of Michigan. When we were both looking to leave Panama City after the hurricane, Rebecca told me to contact her when I was up in Michigan to visit their cabin in the woods. You never know if people are just saying things like this to seem nice, or if they actually mean it. Well, she meant it. Somewhere in Wisconsin we met up, and was given a treasure map of where to find the lake house cabin thing. Very specific, very random, very detailed. “Don’t believe the phone GPS,” I was told sternly. So I didn’t. I followed random instructions scribbled on a starbucks napkin. Lo and behold, I made it! Thank you Rebecca, and your incredibly welcoming family for taking me in that weekend. I went fishing, experienced the sauna, rode ATVs, and even got to learn mushroom hunting. I had a blast.

When you think about visiting old friends on a trip like this, sometimes you have to worry if people have changed, if you still mesh like you did back in the day. Well, I was slightly worried when heading to Denver to see my old buddy Jenn, but those worries quickly faded as soon as I got there. Everything is Terrible tours mixed with speak easies made for great conversation. Intertwine that with an amazing camping trip in the mountains and you’ve got yourself a great visit. Jenn, thank you for the place to crash and including me in your friend group. I know I kind of just showed up, but you folded me in like I was supposed to be there. Just like you always do. Thank you.

While I was in Colorado, I tried to see as many family members as I could, and this included my Uncle Marc. The youngest of my mom’s brothers. Not only did Uncle Marc take me to dinner twice, he forcibly made me take $300 cash so I would have money for food and gas. I guess living out of your car makes people think you’re homeless? I mean the money totally helped give some security, so I am incredibly grateful for that. While visiting I also got to visit with Heidi and their daughter Essi. It was fabulous to see them! I noticed that I took zero photos of our visit, so you’ll just have to enjoy another CO hiking photo instead.

John! Holy shit you saved my life in Albuquerque! I seriously thought I was being a huge time suck and a burden when I came and stayed with you for a night, but Diana told me that it was fine so I went. You drove me to the airport, let me keep my truck at your house for a week on base, Picked me up from the airport, and let me stay at your house for a night. On top of that, you gave me a personal tour of the airplane you were training on, which was one of the coolest experiences of the entire trip. I’m glad I got to spend some one on one time with you. I am forever grateful for your kindness, and glad my sister didn’t marry a dud. Thank you!

When I was asking friends before I left if anyone wanted to come with me, I got one real response. From Kristi. “Yeah I’m down let’s blow this joint and go!” Um, Kristi, you have 2 kids and a federal job, there is no way you can take 9 months off with me. Why am I such a buzzkill?? A consolation visit was planned, and she decided to do 2 weeks in Utah with me. Those 2 weeks were some of the craziest, most exciting, most dangerous sections of my trip, and it was all because I had amazing company. If anyone wants to go truly visit Utah, driving every backroad and camping alone in the desert while getting caught in flash floods is the way to do it. Kristi helped to pay our way across Utah, and forced me to do some canyon repelling, which I am forever grateful for. Thank you friend!

Tooooooooooddddd! This guy let me crash his brother’s property in MI while their parents were in town. I basically joined the family for a few days, and it was fantastic. We cooked dinners, went on family hikes, had fires, drank bourbon… Man this is a great family! I am forever grateful for their hospitality in the woods. Just getting to hang out with Todd in the woods was a treat in itself. Thank you friend.

While driving across Arizona, I promised my longtime friends Joey and Emily that I would make a stop in Scottsdale to visit them and their new baby. Well if I say I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it. I braved scorching southern Arizona and a condo parking lot to spend some quality time with some quality people. Still trying to talk these guys into moving back to FL, where you can actually afford a home that won’t break the bank. Thank you guys for the visit and conversation. Definitely miss y’all.

While waiting to pick up Kristi in Salt Lake, I was able to stay with one of Cas’ long time friends Denise. Now Denise and I aren’t close, but she took me in like she’d known me for years. We got dinner, checked out a super cool hang gliding spot, and she gave me a clean room to spend the night. It was hugely helpful after being alone in the desert for weeks. Thank you so much Denise, I’m glad Cas has you in her life.

The last two folks I have to write about are Kelli and Sarah, my Cleveland crew who took me in for two weeks. Thank you for the taco tuesdays, the comfortable couch and puppy snuggles, and the amazing WV camping trip. I had no idea that area of the country could be so beautiful. I just talked about y’all in the last blog post so I won’t dote too much here, but I appreciate and love you both immensely. Thank you for everything.

That’s it. Done. Gone. I’m home now, in a house, with a wife and pets and a power bill. What now? Get a job? Become a hermit? Plan my next adventure? Does it matter?

I’m not too sure. And the best part is that the answer doesn’t matter. The earth will continue to spin, regardless of the next path I choose. Thanks for following me for this far, I know this last blog was a bit late but at least it’s finally done. I appreciate you more than I can describe. I’m currently working on a book, so if you’d like a copy just hit me up.

Bye friends! Until next time!

The next morning we’re headed to the town of Elkins for coffee. While there we found some really cool street art with animals and rainbow colors. Lots of basic white girl photos are taken. After the photo shoot and coffee consumption, we make our way over to a great little brewery named Big Timber Brewing. While there, I have some serious anxiety. I need to figure out the exact date I plan on heading home as my wife is getting frustrated with me. It’s not fair for me to keep saying, “I’ll be home soon I promise.” I need to figure out a date and start finalizing my plans for a return.

While sipping beer and being anxious at the brewery, we also look for a place to camp for the night that’s somewhat on the way back towards Cleveland. Kelli has to work tomorrow evening. Can’t forget that. We find a free site online, and head north.

On the way north, we end up stopping at Jackie O’s brewery in Athens, OH. This place is legit. Haven’t had a beer here, or in can, that I didn’t like! Kelli buys me the cutest cup with a Blue Booby on it. I am in love! After the brewery, we stop and get some food at the grocery store to cook dinner. Kelli has been bugging me to cook pork chops. She wants pork chops and she wants them now. I don’t want pork chops, but we’re buying pork chops. Fine.

We pull up to the campsite that I found online, and we were all seriously disappointed. There was a homeless camp with a mattress laid up against a tree. A bunch of RVs with old men cutting wood. A full parking lot of cars with people coming and going. No one likes it. But we don’t really have other options. Sarah and I are willing to settle, and find a tiny spot within the shit show of a parking lot. Kelli is pouting. We came to camp dammit! Not chill in a parking lot! Not wanting to deal with a pissed Kelli or this site, we drive away. No cell phone service to rely on, but we did see a state park a few miles back. We hope they have some camping… We drive for about 30 minutes, winding up and down backwoods roads, and eventually found the state park. From there, we fumble around horribly until we actually land on the campground.

Guess what! The campground was adorable! There were many open sites right on the water, bathrooms, fire rings, firewood, anything you could want! We could not find out how to pay though, there were no envelopes or instructions that we could find. Oh well…. Guess it’s free!

Serious note here, I really tried to find out how to pay. It was set up horribly.

We start a fire, cook pork chops, talk to locals, and drink beer we got from the breweries we visited earlier. Such a good night. We set a towel out right away for Arthur to make him hate camping a little less.

The next morning, we wake up somewhat rested and packed up our crap. We drive north and do our best to get Kelli home in time to nap and shower before going to work. Which we accomplished. Thank god because we smelled awful. As Kelli goes off to work, Sarah and I go pick up the dogs from Kelli’s mom. As we are picking up the dogs and begin chatting with mom, one of the pit bulls, Lucy, snagged two huge pork loin cuts from the kitchen counter. Bad dooooogggg. She’s such a counter surfer, and took her shot while mom was distracted.

Wait have I not told y’all about Betty? He’s an 80ish pound sulcata tortoise that Kelly adopted awhile back. Betty got out of Kelly’s house once in Panama City Beach and ran around town for a couple of days. One time, Betty stuck his penis out while making eye contact with Sarah, and Sarah freaked out thinking his intestines prolapsed. Betty regularly tries to kill folks while working in the back yard by pushing his enormous body through ladders or chairs. Due to his tendency to escape and enormous strength, Kelly attached a dog tag to his shell. Just in case.

Sarah and I get the dogs home, and visit Kelli at the bar for a few hours before closing. Man, I wish we were back in the woods over a fire. Breweries are nice, but there’s a huge dichotomy between downtown Cleveland and backwoods WV.

Sitting at Kelli’s bar is great. I wish the beer here was better. I’ve got a few things left to accomplish while I’m here in Cleveland, but other than those few things my trip is pretty much done. Before I leave, I need to paint the pagoda in the back yard, have a family dinner with Kelli’s mom, and complete one more taco Tuesday. I need more falafel tacos. Then, I can finally leave this place and head home.

First, the pagoda. Got to paint that thing and make it pop. I’ve already prepped it, now it just needs a coat of yellow. That was a pretty easy task to finish, but just something my buddies had a tough time completing. I get it.

Next, I need to do dinner with Kelli’s mom, Holly. I met her at Kelli and Sarah’s wedding a while ago. My first experience with Holly was actually intertwined with her sister Caron. And yes, that’s how it’s spelled. Don’t ask. I’m at the wedding grounds, drinking like a guest should be, and Caron picks up conversation with me. Holly and Caron are talking, and they somehow wrangle me into the conversation. And it went something like this. Buckle up.

Caron starts by saying, “My family is from Arkansas (I can’t remember what she said as I wasn’t listening), Jennifer where is your family from?”

“Actually, my family is Greek! My grandparents were Greek nationals but lived in Alexandria (grandma) and Khartoum (Grandpa) in Egypt and met on the boat over to America. Story is my grandma was sick for the entire 14 day trip but my grandfather still fell in love.”

Caron looks at me. Examining my face to see if the story could possibly be true. And then the next sentence fell from her lips, “oh honey, you’re not dark enough to be Greek.”

Holly left me out to dry. She was silent. Thank god Kelli happened to walk by and caught the conversation. She instantly handed me two of those tiny cylinders with crescent roll dough in them and says, “Can you help me bring these inside? I can’t hold all of them.” Bless you Kelli. You were holding 3 crescent roll packages and handed me two because “you couldn’t carry them all.” I love it.

So that’s my first meeting with Holly. Next, was a trip that Holly made down to Panama City with Kelli and Sarah to stay at the beach. Holly made a clam linguine that I absolutely loved. If you know me, I can put down some food, especially when it’s delicious. I ate a shit load and told her how much I enjoyed her cooking. Now, she wants to make me her famous clam linguine while I’m in town. How am I to say no to that? Exactly. I can’t. I go to Holly’s house with everyone and I listen all about their recent trip to Alaska, and eat great food.

The last thing I need to do in Cleveland is taco Tuesday. This is easy. We go to the same place, get the same amazing falafel tacos, then head to Kelli’s bar to feed her additional tacos. It’s bittersweet, as I’ll be leaving tomorrow. I ended up getting hired for the National Park job I applied for, and I’d really like to get back and settle in at home before that starts. Also, I’ve promised my wife many projects that I planned to accomplish before returning to work. And the most important part is getting home to Cas. I’ve put her through enough. It’s time to go home.

In the morning, I ready myself for the journey south. It’s sad to leave this place, as it feels very homey after being here for a week and a half. I pack everything up and start the drive home. Ideally, I had planned to stop at Mammoth Caves National Park. But as the drive dragged on, I realized that I was just ready to be home. I don’t want to stop anymore. So I don’t. The weather is shit so I’m glad to not be stopping.

The drive was a slog. My only stops were for gas and snacks. When I finally pulled up to the house in Pensacola, it was 9PM. Still hot and sticky as Florida always is on a humid summer evening.

Being home feels natural. It takes no adjustment to go from living out of a truck or on someone’s couch to being back in a plush king-sized bed with a bathroom right next to the bedroom. I suppose only adjustments need to be made when stepping down from living conditions, not up. At this point in my life, it feels no different to sleep in my truck, in a tent, or in a bed. What is different is consistently having a safe place to fall asleep, without having to constantly worry about who is going to sneak up on you in the middle of the nigh. That’s comfort. A feeling of security is what I missed the most. And as soon as you have it again, it’s like you totally forgot what it’s like to not have it.

I’m back in my bed, with my wife, with the cats (that sort of remember me) and back to a feeling of security. Or so I thought. The first night home was awful. I heard every footstep outside. Every rustle. I couldn’t turn off my self preservation brain even though I knew I was somewhere safe.

All of a sudden, I hear someone walking outside behind the headboard of the bed. I know footsteps. I listen for them constantly. I jump out of bed, grab the .38 revolver in the nightstand and go to investigate. I turn on every light outside, but see nothing. There’s nothing there.

I lay back down but it will be hours before I can sleep. Still listening for footsteps.

Things got easier over time. Apparently, the key is to sleep with the fan on so I can’t hear every bump in the night. This helps immensely. I start to settle down at night, and trust that I’m finally in a safe place.

The next morning, I wake up relatively early and am greeted with indoor plumbing! Oh what a relief! I don’t have to check for bears, don’t have to dig a hole…. So exciting! Alright, I’m in house improvement mood this morning. I start with finding what is bugging Sarah the most. The electrical work. She needs GFI sockets replaced along with some light fixtures changed. Man that shit takes longer to do than I expected, but 5 hours later the kitchen is done and looks good. Except, it needs new paint. So, we paint. And we clean. And we get the kitchen completely done and looking sharp. It felt good to accomplish a room. There’s a lot of projects halfway done in this house, so having a room be done feels great.

After a full day of working on the truck and cleaning some of my gear, we decide to call off the night early as we need to be up at midnight to get Kelli from the airport. Her flight lands on time, and by 2am we are home with Kelli.

I suppose I should divulge how I became friends with Kelli. We were both working as biologists for FWC, but in different sections. Our paths didn’t cross at all even though she was regularly coming around the office to get gear, pick up work trucks, drop off deer heads in the cooler, you know, normal stuff. PS if you aren’t familiar with chronic wasting disease in deer, you need to educate yourself. Short synopsis is there is a disease similar to mad cow in the fact that it deals with prions in the brain, impacting the wild whitetail deer populations in the US. Not just deer, but that’s the only animal that FWC was focused on while I was working there. These deer slowly waste away as their brain becomes like swiss cheese, hence the name. It’s super contagious, and can be passed through urine, spit, blood, feces, just about anything. Anyway, it’s not in Florida yet but it is definitely on its way. The more you know….

Eventually, I was invited to a house party at Kelli’s beach abode in Panama City. You know, I don’t have a lot of friends, I might as well go! There are lots of bios there, so at least I know other people in attendance. Wile I was there, I meet Kelli, and Kelli’s fiancé, Sarah. Oh shit! Another lesbian! That’s cool! Now I didn’t get to hang out with her before leaving, but as I was walking out the door, Kelli stops me and says, “hey, you’re cool, let’s be friends. Can I get your number?” And in my drunken state, I took this as her hitting on me for some reason? Which was not something I was interested in. You introduce me to your fiancé and then hit on me? Classless move asshat. So, I say, “you don’t need it,” and walk out. PS I didn’t drive, don’t freak out.

The next day, my girlfriend at the time tells me how much of a jerk I was. This other biologist was looking for new cool friends and I just told her off. Turns out the asshat is on my head… I get her cell number from a friend and apologize. Kelli doesn’t give a shit because she’s chill, and we decide to be friends. From that day on, about 3 nights a week were spent drinking IPAs on Kelli’s couch while watching Intervention or My 600 Pound Life. Kelli almost always passed out on the couch while I was there, so I’d always let myself out while she was open mouth breathing with a dog on her lap. Oh, PS. Kelli has 4 dogs. Kelli is also the bleeding heart individual mentioned earlier in the blog who found my cat Moab out in the woods.

The next morning was a bit slow due to Kelli’s 2am flight. All I know is that it’s a Tuesday, which means it’s taco Tuesday, which means I get to gorge on tacos with zero judgement. Sarah has been talking up some falafel tacos and I am DYING to get one. The only kicker is that Kelli has to work. She’s got a side gig at the Forest City Brewery in Cleveland as a bar tender. If you’re in Cleveland, go check it out. Maybe just walk through? Not the best beer, but super fun, large indoor and outdoor venue. They had a legit Oktoberfest beer and a jalapeno cider, but that was about it.

So, Sarah and I drop Kelli off at the bar for work and decide to meet up with another friend of the couple for tacos. We of course promise Kelli we’ll bring her some grub.

After Sarah and I gorge on cheap, amazingly tasty tacos, we bring Kelli food and plop down at the bar where she’s working. It’s a quiet night, so we’re able to chat a bit. We decide that we want to go camping starting tomorrow. Sarah has to work tomorrow in the morning, but if we have everything packed up and ready to roll when she’s off, we could get to West Virginia before 7PM. Why WV? Kelli did her masters work out of Marshall University, where she did research on hellbenders. Oh. While you’re researching Chronic Wasting Disease, pop over and google hellbenders. These are the largest salamanders found in the US, and arguably the largest amphibian found here as well. The reticulated siren is similar in length (up to almost 16 inches) but the hellbender is a chonk. Weighing up to 5.5 pounds. The siren is a skinny little thing. Anyway, they are huge, and fabulous and sauntering towards extinction as their waterways are becoming more and more polluted and altered. It is my goal to try and find one in the wild during this camping trip, and Kelli is my hellbender sherpa guiding me in the journey.

So, Kelli and I prep the camping gear, drop off 3 dogs at Kelli’s mom house, and wait for Sarah to get off work. We’re going to be taking one dog with us. Arthur. Arthur is a complete shit head. Too smart for his own good, too stupid to stay alive without significant human intervention, and too annoying to leave with Kelli’s mom. He’s the youngest of the 4, and is another foster dog Kelli had that never was adopted out. The fact he was never adopted even though significant effort was put forth does not surprise anyone.

With Sarah home, we load up my truck with everyone plus Arthur, and drive south. The one aspect of the drive south that I’m so excited about is food. Kelli has been talking up pepperoni rolls while we were packing and planning. Created by miners, they are dough rolls filled with delicious cheese and pepperoni bits that supposedly were favored by the underground workers. As we drive south, we listen to a podcast on Mormonism, and talk extensively about pepperoni rolls.

 Once in WV, we hit some pretty windy, small roads that are surprisingly terrifying to drive on. Kelli tells me how people in WV “drive through the curves” all the time. That means, they just drive straight. To save time. If you’re on the other side of the person driving through the curve, you could easily die in a head on collision. We see lots of folks driving through the curves here and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

Eventually, we find a gas station that is also a grocery store, and saunter in to search for pepperoni rolls. Kelli finds the pizza rolls, but they are kept in the refrigerator. I Don’t know any better, but apparently, they are not supposed to be cold. These rolls should be hot, or at least room temp. You know, ignore all those food safety requirements. We buy three rolls and head on our way. I should mention that every time the truck turns, or slows down, or has to do any maneuvering, Arthur whines. He has taken a liking to sitting like a human behind my seat and whining directly in my ear. This habit became evident as soon as we started on the windy WV roads, and is pretty consistent now that we’re in the backwoods.

So, we’re on the road again, unwrapping cold pepperoni rolls, with a constant dog whine being emitted as the twisty roads continue. It only took a few bites of the roll to decide they were awful. Arthur got most of the rolls. Even he had a hard time choking them down, but he’s no quitter.

As we get closer to where we’re camping, I ask Kelli for an address to put in my phone. I like to know where we’re headed. But service is crappy, and no one can really get a good signal. When we do get signal, we put in the town of Durbin, WV to get us in the general area of the camp site. I didn’t know it then, but Kelli has this thing where she thinks she knows where all of her old survey sites are. She knows them all by heart even though years have come and gone from grad school. It became evident pretty quick that Kelli in fact did not remember where all of these sites were. We do many U-turns. Lots of dog whining. When we do find the correct forest road to traverse, the best camp site Kelli was envisioning is taken by other campers. Crap. That’s ok. We have other potential sites to find. A few more miles down the road we find a nice, open, empty site. We find a flat spot for the truck, a spot for the tent, and start collecting fire wood.

It was cold, clear, crisp, and we had a rolling fire. We pass out cups (to me and Kelli) and let the jack and ginger flow. The one issue that has become horribly apparent through this trip is that late night drinking binges ultimately end with many pee trips throughout the night. I hate having to climb out if the truck and get cold as hell to take a piss, but it’s a necessary evil.

After we get Kelli and Sarah’s and Arthur’s tent erected and all of the gear inside, we head off to bed. Me in my plush truck set -up, and them a few feet over on the cold hard ground. I tried to give them the truck but they wouldn’t take it. So, we filter off to bed.

About 2 in the morning, my bladder can’t take it anymore. I open up the back of the truck as quietly as I can and proceed to climb out. Now, the moon is suuuuper high in the sky and shining like a binary star. I find a pee spot, and start to squat when I hear Kelly and Arthur rustling around. I hear her zip out of the text and step out as soon as I start to pee. What do I do? Just stay quiet and freak her out when she steps over this way to pee? Stay quiet and hope she doesn’t see me? Not wanting to give her a heart attack, and decide to speak out, “hey, Kelli, I’m peeing over here.”

Now, what I forgot in that moment is that Kelli is a hard sleeper. A grumpy sleeper. And attempting to wake her up was not my best idea. But, I try again. Because obviously she didn’t hear me, “Hey Kelli! I’m peeing over here!”

Ok, that got her attention. But she came back in a full yell. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE!”

I of course respond, “I’M PEEING YOU ASSHOLE” which begged a response,

“WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME AN ASSHOLE!”

Which of course had my response of, “BECAUSE YOU’RE YELLING AT ME!”

Before either of us could escalate from this point, Sarah gets up and has to reel Kelli back into bed, “Why are you guys screaming at each other??” We obviously woke her up with our yelling peeing match. In our half sleep slumber, neither of us really knows why we started screaming at each other. Things just escalated very quickly.

The next morning, we all woke up to Sarah starting a massive fire. Much better than the fire the night before. We tell Sarah how nice her fire is. It’s the best fire, greatest fire. Most extravagant fire in the world, maybe ever. This pleases Sarah. We make grits, peanut butter tortillas, and Kelli pours a jack and ginger as I sip on coffee.  We sit over the fire and just enjoy being in the woods for about an hour. Man it’s nice not to be alone.

After an hour or so, we decide to go walk to one of Kelli’s old hellbender sampling sites. Just a little jaunt down the dirt road. We search for salamanders, and I hunt for mushrooms. It’s a nice little walk. I enjoy the Appalachian Mountains more than I should. Maybe it’s because it’s different than Florida, maybe it’s the thick, dense, cool forest that brings back some primordial sense of landscape productivity. Maybe both of those things… We’ll never know.

We walk back to the campsite, and pack everything up to head into the nearby town of Davis. There’s a burrito joint that Kelli is excited to take me to. It’s named Hellbender Burrito, and I’m absolutely in love. A hole in the wall with wood paneling on the walls and ceilings, this place seriously looks like you’re stepping into the galley of a boat. I get the Hellbender Burrito and gaze at all of the restaurant’s propaganda. I want everything. The shirts, the cozies, the hats, the glasses… They all have a fat, shitty little hellbender standing up showing off its fat adorable belly. It’s awful, and I love it.

As we sit at the bar, drank some local beer, and stuffed our faces with amazing burritos. I ate an entire one, while Kelli and Sarah split one. Quitters.

Don’t worry, we took turns checking on Arthur in the car. It was chilly out, so he was balled up on a blanket in the backseat. Finally, he’s being quiet. Or maybe he’s only quiet because I’m not in the same room as him. I’m ok with both.

We traveled to the next town to get Sarah some delicious coffee. Now, we’re in West Virginia. A bunch of gays chilling in West. Virginia. But, this place is actually pretty progressive. We drive a few minutes and end up in the town of Thomas where we step into a coffee shop that looks like something you’d find in Portland or Jackson Hole. Sarah gets her Chia latte or whatever bullshit drink girls in leggings doing yoga order, and head out to find a hike in the woods. Oh, we also picked up some pepperoni rolls to try for later. These seem promising, and I can’t wait to replace the memory of the shitty dough roll from my first taste test.

Kelli is again wanting to find everything by memory. We get to the general location of where a cool hike and picnic area is within the Monogahela National Forest but can’t exactly locate where we are trying to go. Signs are pulled down all over the place, so I can’t blame Kelli this time. We drive on dirt roads for longer than needed, and finally decided to do another hike that looks interesting within the forest. It ended up being pretty cool with some old growth spruce. But not exactly the high altitude knob we were looking for. Back at the car, we eventually did find the knoll we had been searching for, and got another small hike in. This place had a carpet of soft, spongy moss coating the landscape. I enjoyed it very much.

After our hike, it was time to find a campsite. The entrance to the section of forest we were utilizing was within a neighborhood. Kelli, for the first time, was able to accurately locate exactly where we were going. Hooray Kelli!! You finally did it!!!

The entrance led to a gravel trail through beautiful woods. As we drive, Kelli shows us where people regularly find hellbenders, and tells us that we can come back later and search for salamanders in the dark. But, I’m way too excited, and talk Kelli into searching now. I park, and we climb down the steep bank to reach the river covered in long, flat rocks. The water is only ankle deep across most of the river, so we slosh in with our shoes and pants in search for amphibians. It’s breeding season, so salamanders should be active in the water. We walk around, searching for animals, but came up short after 30 minutes or so. Oh well, at least I learned what kind of rocks they like, what type of water they enjoy, and how to best visually search for hellbenders.

We get back into the truck with soggy feet and head off to a potential campsite. As we get further into the woods, we pass a couple of campsites that look amazing. Every time I see a good site I slow down and say… “this one??” And Kelli shoots me down and says NO NOT THAT ONE! We keep driving. Eventually, we get to the “perfect site” and it’s taken! By like, an entire family that looks like they have been living at the site for two weeks. Which honestly, in this part of the country, is pretty normal. We keep driving in hopes of finding another site. Kelli is pouting. Pouting until we run into the next camp which has a fucking covered wagon train?? Like straight up Oregon trail oxen pulling a god damn cover wagon with men that look like they have never seen electricity. Oh we stop and gaze at their antiquated setup for only a moment when every member of the group turns to look at us. Oh hell no. I slam the truck in reverse and skid out of there just as the banjo music became audible. The many empty campsites we passed on the way here will be just fine.

We pull up to a site on the water and survey the area. Good hellbender stream adjacent to the site, lots of room for a tent, firewood, this site looks pretty great! Oh, until Sarah found the shit bucket at the back of the site. Oh, there’s trash everywhere. Oh, is that a dirty diaper?? Oh….

We clean up everything into trash bags and decide this is as good as we’re going to get. We’ll just ignore the shit bucket and act like that never happened. Once the trash was collected, the site was pretty damn nice! We get Arthur tied up to a tree and start our firewood collection. I get dinner cut up which contains potatoes, veggies, cream of bacon and some other odds and ends we brought with us from Cleveland.

We get the fire going, the grill set, and chairs set up to enjoy the fire, cook, and have an adult beverage. All with a beautiful stream bubbling in the background, hopefully hiding hordes of hellbenders under flat, smooth rocks. While dinner is cooking I finally unwrap the pepperoni roll that was purchased earlier from a gas station. We kept these bad boys on the dashboard for warming, and now they are a perfect temp to consume. And perfect they were. The complete antithesis of my first experience. I want more. We need to buy all the pepperoni rolls…. Kelli promises we shall buy more on our way home. Hell, we can even make them at home. YAS!

So, we cook, eat, and finish listing to our Mormon podcast. When it’s finally dark, Kelli and I take to the water with flashlights. I slowly creep into the river with my crocks, hoping to find an adult hellbender sauntering around the rock bottom in search of a mate. We don’t want to flip rocks to search for the animals, as we could disrupt very sensitive nesting rocks. As we grid the river bottom with out flashlights, we come across a plethora of huge crayfish. If only I could catch some to throw on the fire for a tasty snack… I try, but without a net I was destined to fail.

Our river search turned up zero hellbenders. I’m disappointed, but not surprised. They are hard critters to come by. We climb back up to the campsite, and snuggle in close to the fire to warm our wet feet.

As we sit around the fire talking, we are constantly interrupted by Arthur whining. He won’t lay down, won’t stop fidgeting. It’s getting pretty annoying. Eventually, we lay a towel down on the perfectly dry, comfy leaf litter and he instantly lays down. This little shit didn’t want to lay on leaves. But throw a towel down and he’s a happy pooch. What a queen. We toss the end of the towel over him as he looks cold. Arthur definitely hates camping.

The next morning, We pack up our site and try to get on the road at a decent hour. But, Kelli promised to help me cut my hair. We were supposed to do it last night, but I couldn’t find the proper scissors. While I was making coffee in the morning, I finally stumbled over the correct cutting apparatuses and show Kelli. That apparently means it’s time to cut my hair.

“Shunk!” There goes six inches of hair!! And what does one do while getting a haircut in the woods?? Why you create a creepy ass face in the truck of a tree and hang your hair up as a mustache! Duh. Is that not what you do??

We finally leave the site, with creepy tree face growing small in the rear view mirror. Wish I could videotape the reaction of whoever sees it next.

Man it poured last night. I was worried about the horses chilling out in the open, but they seemed to do just fine. I tried to check on them through the storm, but I couldn’t see a damn thing in the rain. In the morning, the horses were practically dry and seemed at ease munching on soggy hay. I suppose one becomes accustomed to rain storms when your whole life is spent out at pasture. I strive to have the DGAF attitude of a pasture horse.

When my new friends woke up, we sat around where the fire was the previous night and drank coffee while studying the weather forecast for the day. WeatherBug was predicting more rain around 10am, so the riders decided to wait it out. We just hung around and chatted until about 11am. The rain never came. When the ladies decided to take off on their trail ride, I packed up my things and headed west towards Bear, Michigan.

The trek to Bear was intentional, as I was meeting my buddy Todd aka Wolfman out at his brother’s property. The brother (Justin) had about 10 acres of beautiful property in the middle of nowhere, containing old pasture land and some more later successional stage wooded areas. I also counted 3 large apple trees that I promptly taste tested. Still road apple-ish, but better than most I had tried. A Mennonite family was working on a barn adjacent to the property. They were making astonishingly fast progress in matching green button ups and overalls.

At Justin’s place was Justin, my buddy Todd, and their parents. They had driven in from Indiana to spend some quality time with their boys out on the property. Oh, I should mention there aren’t any buildings out on this property. A few sheds built by the brothers, a tent, and an old camper that will most likely never see the road again. Regardless, there is a fun fire site, a cooking area, and a legit garden to scavenge from. Plus did I mention there are apples?? Todd sets up his tent in the woods, and I settle my truck on to a level patch of ground. Plenty of room for everyone here!

Ok I have to share some stories about Todd. This guy is one of the sweetest, smartest, most helpful, most genuine person I’ve ever met. Need help with changing your power steering fluid? Yeah he’ll drive 2 hours to Pensacola to help you. Oh by the way we’re going to Mobile for Mardi gras while you’re here… No problem, Todd already has his overalls and crocs packed to join in with the debauchery.

Need help moving? Yup, this guy always shows up with the best attitude. Plus he’s strong as shit. I’ve seen this dude lift things that took myself and 3 other coworkers to budge. Anyway, you get my point. I love Todd, and would anything he needs because I know it will be reciprocated a million times over.

The only issue we have in regards to Todd is his tendency to run and hide when blackout drunk. Now, we figured this tendency out while having a party out in the woods one day. Todd drinks a pint of whiskey in the first two hours, and just, disappears. We go looking only after we realized he was gone (like an hour) but he doesn’t have his phone and isn’t responding to his name being called. We are worried, but what are we going to do? Call the cops and say we lost our drunk friend in the woods? No. Not gonna happen. Someone would for sure get shot. So, we do the next logical thing. Keep drinking. About an hour after we realized Todd was gone, one of the best doggos ever, Juno, aka the fluffiest and 2^nd softest, starts growling out in the woods. What is it girl? Bear? Random crackhead coming to kill us all? Did Timmy fall in the well? Nope, Juno had located Todd facedown in a patch of palmettos and was freaked the fuck out. We pull Todd out into the clearing near the fire for safe keeping, and drive him home when we all leave.

One more story. Our friend group decided to go to New Orleans for Ashley’s 30^th birthday. Todd is of course coming because he’s awesome. But we now know Todd better. Passing out in the woods where your only danger is a bear is one thing, passing out in an alleyway in New Orleans is another beast. We decide to attach a tracking device to his shorts so we can keep tabs. We have our fun the first night, and people start filtering back to the rented house around midnight, getting ready to pass out. But. We have lost Todd at some point. No worry! I pull up my phone and see that Todd is right down the street and headed for the house! Sweet! Then, 20 seconds later, we hear “Thunk.” Cas gets up to investigate only to find Todd has deposited the tracking device in the mail slot and ran off. Dammit. There’s nothing we can do at this point. We go to sleep and hope he comes back.

The next morning as people wake up, we’re all looking around for Todd. As I get to the kitchen, my buddy Kelli is up drinking a beer and coffee. “Where’s Todd?” I ask. “Oh, he’s outside,” she nonchalantly says. I open the back door to an overgrown weed shit of a yard. I don’t see him. I come back inside and tell Kelli he’s not there, he must’ve already left again. “No, he’s there, you’re not looking hard enough.” So I go back out, and sure as shit, Todd is sleeping on a concrete pad surrounded by waist high weeds. Passed out. Our feral cat has returned.

Now I won’t tell the story about how Todd lost his sunglasses, hat, wallet and cell phone the next night. Mostly because no one knows what truly happened. Not even Todd. We do know someone used his federal travel card at the bars in downtown New Orleans that night. That’s always a fun call to tell your boss.

There’s no good segway back to the main story here and I don’t care.

After meeting everyone on Justin’s property and chilling for a bit, Todd decides to usher everyone out to a popular hiking trail/boardwalk down the road and search for birds. It’s a windy afternoon, but the weather is mild. The wind made the birds hunker down, but it was still an enjoyable stroll.

When we returned, Todd’s mom makes us chili over the fire as we settled in for some drinks and star gazing out in the country. I of course pass out relatively early as I have the sleeping tendencies of an 80 year old. Except the whole waking up early part. Haven’t quite figured that out yet.

The next morning is filled with coffee and pie that Todd’s mom had made from scratch prior to coming out in the woods. Mixed berry pie… I eat enough to feel obese, and we plan out a day full of fun activities. We’re going to play disc golf, go for a hike, and then see where we end up from there. Finding disc golf ended up being an adventure of its own… Todd and Justin tried to find the course based on memory alone which led us on a random goose chase. We got Todd’s father’s minivan down some pretty sketchy dirt roads before we popped out in the correct parking lot.  Once there, we pile out of the van and search for the course. There are soooo many trees here, so it takes a moment to orient ourselves. But once we find it, we’re off to the races.

PS I’m horrible at disc golf. But it was nice to walk around with the boys and throw things. I hit a lot of trees that day. The mosquitoes out here are awful, so Todd’s mom hides in the van while we play. Todd’s dad picks up beer cans as we move along in the hopes of recycling them and cashing in on some free money. Who throws beer cans out on a disc golf course anyway? Jerks…

After disc golf, we pile back in the van and head towards a nearby park with some fun views. The hike was a short wooded trail that popped you out right on some amazing relic dunes on the lake. Lake Michigan I suppose? That sounds right. So many damn lakes to remember… The views of the lake were unobstructed. We sat and soaked in the vista while we plotted our next course of action. Todd’s parents were good at making us sit and take in the view for a bit. I’m normally too quick to see something, enjoy it for 2.5 seconds, then start hiking again. But this, this was a solid 15 minutes of view enjoyment. Todd and I foraged for wild grapes and blackberries of course as our time limit for sitting still is quite low.

We decide that we’re going to visit a nearby brewery instead of heading back to the property. Everyone is pretty hungry at this point, and anything we cook at the camp site will take a long time. I find the brewery on Yelp and lead Todd’s dad to victory. Once there we grab some beers, some apps, and talk about things I need to see on the rest of my trip.

On the way home, we picked up groceries to cook dinner. Looks like spaghetti is on the menu, so Todd and I promptly find dinosaur shaped noodles and throw them in the cart. Todd’s mom loads up on sugary sweets for breakfast tomorrow, and things to make sauce. Back at camp, she finally notices our noodle choice and silently shakes her head as Todd and I laugh… Who doesn’t like eating stegosauruses?

Dinner and drinks turned out fantastic. After becoming incredibly full from dinner, we decided to hit up a local cidery right down the road. There is a local band playing that Todd has checked out on Youtube and it sounds promising. I’ve never been to a cidery, but it’s basically a brewery with cider and mead. Super cool, all local fruit, and very organic. It’s a cute venue with a packed outdoor stage area. We find some seats and sip on cider and sweet wine while listening to pretty decent tunes. So this is what people in the middle of Michigan do in their free time.

As the cidery closes down surprisingly early, and we head back to the property and get ready for bed. I’ll be leaving tomorrow, so I’m trying to make sure everything is prepped for my departure. The next morning, Todd’s parents go to church, and I leave for Cleveland. My intentions are to drive straight from Bear, MI to Cleveland as there’s nothing I want to see on my way. Maybe I should stop in Flint, MI and fill up my water bottles? Maybe a jaunt to Detroit to see the local cuisine? JUST KIDDING THIS PLACE IS AWFUL. I mean not awful. Just, dirty with awful drinking water. Hard Pass.

A lot of people ask, “Jen, why in the hell are you going to Cleveland? And why would you plan to stay so long when your trip’s purpose is to be in the woods away from people?” Great question a lot of people…. My buddies Kelli and Sarah have a house there, and I’m wanting to help them with some home improvement projects while enjoying the local beer scene. I have allotted 2 weeks to be in Cleveland, but I had my dates all mixed up. The dates I had outlined to my family said 3 weeks, and I was saying 2 weeks and getting frustrated when the amount of time was not adding up. At this point I don’t know how calendars work, what the days of the week even mean…. I’m having issues reading clocks. I am one with the woods and the road….

Regardless of my inability to plan anything of substance, I get from Bear, MI to Cleveland safely. When I pull into the big city, it’s somewhat late at night and I’m practically starving. My buddy Kelli is apparently out of town, so I’m meeting up with her wife Sarah. Now I love Sarah, but I’ve never hung out with her alone. I think Kelli told me she wasn’t going to be out of town, but I must have forgotten. I text Kelli that I’m near Cleveland when I got cell service again, and she reminds me she’s in Orlando for two more days. Oh, right, I knew that. Again, I have lost the ability to plan things at this point.

I get to the house, and realize Sarah has parked on the road so my truck can be at the house. I am soooooo glad I don’t have to find street parking. I come in, say hi to all my doggo friends that I missed very much, and talk to Sarah for a bit. We then decide to hit a local bar that has some amazing greasy food that’s delicious and awful for you. We pull up to Roudie’s and are greeted with the best redneck sticker I have ever seen. “God willing and the Creek Don’t Rise.” Yaaaassssss! New slogan for life has been acquired.

We pop into the bar, and I’m worried it’s closed. We’re the only people there. We ask the bartender if they are open, and they are! Just a super random slow night apparently. Oh thank god. Sarah and I order amazing food, and call Kelli while at the bar. She’s of course jealous, even though she’s at freaking Harry Potter World in Orlando. That’s a whole other story I won’t be going into… Sarah and I eat, then head back to the house so I can crash. She tries to make me sleep in the spare bedroom, but being the loud walker that I am I don’t want to be stomping around their upstairs like an untrained Clydesdale. I’ll stay on the couch and cuddle dogs.  

Tomorrow, I promise Sarah I’ll help with house chores. Kelli gets in at 2am on the following morning. Man I fucked up my dates hard. Oh well.

The drive east to Pictured Rocks National Lake Shore was along the shoreline of Lake Superior. Absolutely gorgeous drive. I stop in at a welcome center and pick up a park map so I can plan out my day. I blanked on the name of the park as soon as I got to the help desk. Apparently “Painted Rocks” wasn’t close enough to Pictured Rocks for the guy to figure out what I was saying…. Regardless, there looks to be a lot of hiking options, but I have no idea what the best would be. So many hikes and you know only like, 50% of them are going to be legit. The other half are paved tracks around the visitor center and crap like that.

I get to the park visitor center a few hours before closing and question a ranger on where to go. She points me to legit hikes that will show off the cliffs, have few visitors, and give me a good glimpse on the different types of habitats found within the park. Exactly what I was looking for. I leave the visitor center and drive about 20 minutes to the first hike, which should show off the cliff features.

So, I didn’t grab a great map while I had the chance. I’ve gotten cocky over the past few months, especially with my Garmin unit. As I get out on the trail, I realize there are a million little spur trails. Some dead end at waterfalls, others parallel the main trail then scoot back and merge into one path. So odd. I’m not lost, as I know what direction I’m headed, but I don’t know exactly where I am. Ok I’m kinda lost. But I found a bunch of cool mushrooms! So I’m ok with it!

Once I hit the coastline, I figure out where I am. Obviously I’m on the coast. Of a lake. A large lake at that. If you haven’t been to Pictured Rocks, you should go. If Pictured Rocks was never on your radar of places to visit, it should be. These cliffs, this water, these views… They are incredible. I am in total awe of the sheer size of these rock faces plunging into the water. The cool, clear, blue-green water lapping up on white cliffs. The scraggly, twisted and archaic looking pines desperately holding on to what rock remains. This place is awesome. My longer than expected hike turned out to be the best mistake I’ve made on this trip.

While I’m hiking, and trying to not take picture every 15 seconds, I get phone service for a moment. I call my wife and dad, as I haven’t spoken to either of them in some time. As I’m on the phone, I get a call from the place I applied for a job with. Oh boy. Wonder what this is? Well, I got the job! While sitting on a cliff face during sunset in one of the most beautiful places I’ve been to on this entire trip. What are the odds. I quickly call Cas and my dad back and tell them the good news!

With that intel in hand, I start my hike back to the car. Pep in my step now of course, but, also a small sense of dread. I now have a date that I have to be back home by. Before, I could pick and choose when I was planning to be home. Of course I miss my family, but if I want to stay out an extra month I could. If I wanted to come home a month early, I could do that too. But, now there’s a date. I don’t know how I feel about it exactly.

I get back to the car right at dusk. Good thing too as I have no headlight with me. Would have been an interesting fumble through the woods. I plug in a campsite to my GPS and head out of the park. Not too far, as there is a National Forest bordering the National Lake shore. I find an old service road and try my best to hide the truck in the brush. Eh, it’s not totally hidden but I don’t think anyone will mess with me. And I was right.

In the morning, I checked out a few more cool places within the park. My favorite was an old log slide. Basically, folks back in the day cut lumber down in these super lush forests, then just pushed the logs down a huge sand dune into the lake. There, they would drag them to where they could collect and process them accordingly. What you’re left with is a huge, bare swath of land leading straight to the lake. It’s massive. Steep as shit. And way too intense to walk down. But it is fun to sit on top and gaze at the beautiful blue water.

After the log slide, and a few more trails to a sad waterfall or two, I decide to head out of Pictured Rocks and continue on to the mitten of Michigan. My excitement for today will be crossing the Mackinaw Bridge. It’s the largest suspension Bridge in the Western Hemisphere, and third largest in the world. Think of the Golden Gate Bridge but like, three times larger. I drive south through the boonies, and finally get to where the bridge is. I stop at a rest stop and gaze at the bridge from a distance. It’s fucking huge. I’m not normally scared of bridges but this one seems a bit terrifying.

As I drive closer, I realize it’s a toll bridge. That’s cool, I figured it had to be. I pay my $8 and crawl onto the bridge. With a speed limit of 35 for cars it feels like a crawl. Trucks are stuck to 20mph and only allowed in the right lane. This seems intense. Because it is. I’m high as shit and this bridge sways a considerable amount. But, a few moments later I’m off the bridge and in the town of Mackinaw. I try to find an independent coffee shop in this town, but there isn’t shit but, you guessed it, Starbucks. Fine, I’ll bite. I need a Peppermint Mocha stat. I get to the Starbucks here, and it is awesome. A cute little two story log cabin looking thing. I order coffee downstairs and saunter upstairs to free WiFi and awesome views of the Mackinaw Bridge. This place is sweet.

After coffee and blog writing, I decide to find some local grub/beer to fully experience the area. The best one I could find is a place called Biere De Mac. Oh man, this place was amazing. The burger was so legit and the beer was on point. Plus, I sat at the bar, and the bar keep was spilling all sorts of Michigan secrets. Where to go for cool rocks, where to go for the best food, anything I needed. Still, rocks are super cool here for some reason.

While I’m pulling out of the parking lot, I get a call from my buddy Todd aka Wolfman. He’s an employee with the USFWS on the lamprey project in the northeast. He’s got some truck issues and needs a hand. He knows I’m somewhere in Michigan, and is hoping I can come to Gaylord tonight. Their truck must have gotten snagged on some brush out in the field, and torn out a wire harness somewhere. Now, the truck is giving an electronic warning that the diesel sensor has been damaged, and the truck will shut off in 200 miles. Geez. That’s inconvenient when you’re out in the woods. He’s hoping I can follow him from Gaylord to his office just barely 200 miles away to make sure he makes it home. With how much Todd has helped me in the past, of course I’m going to come make sure he makes it home! I put his hotel in my GPS and drive south.

I get there, and there’s still some time left in the day. We should go for a hike. I find a supposed hike on my app AllTrails and we head out. The trail ended up being more like a road, but at least we get to walk and there are tons of blackberries ripe. We walk, much on blackberries, and find super tall benches to sit on. Apparently they are for when it snows. Sounds awful.

After our hike, we decide to walk to a local brewery to grab a few beers. Snowbelt Brewery was a recommendation from my Buddy Eric, who grew up in Gaylord, Michigan. While gaining intel on the brewery we are also made aware of an amazing BBQ place across the street. Spoiler alert. It was fantastic. Todd and I drink and eat until we can’t anymore, then stumble back to the hotel room (don’t worry we walked to dinner and the bar in anticipation). It’s so nice to not have to find a place to sleep tonight. I appreciate Todd letting me crash with him.

In the morning, we head west towards Todd’s place of work. It’s in the town of Manistee, which is near the western coast of the mitten. We make it to his office with no incident, which is great. He’s even got a few miles left on the truck to have a maintence guy take it to the dealership tomorrow. When we get to the office, Todd shows me an exotic species of lamprey that his team is working to eradicate. Todd reaches into a tub of water and snags an eel looking creature. It instantly recoils backwards as Todd struggles to grad a hold. It’s hilarious. The lamprey eventually wins and Todd lets it fall back into the tank. God I wish I had a picture of this… A coworker yells out, “hey, are you qualified to hold those things??” Ha!

After saying my goodbyes, I head out to another camping spot I found on my trusted freecampsites.net website. Supposedly on a lake and way out in the woods. I’m in. I set up the GPS point in my phone and drive off.

My phone GPS got me sort of close, but I ended up having to switch to the Garmin unit at some point as my phone became lost. Not a surprise there. Once I got to the campsite, I realized that two people were already there. Dang. Well, there seemed to be some other cool spots on the way, I’ll just go plug into one of those. I found a small site along the lake that seemed beautiful. I wedged the truck in and started setting up camp.

But, something was off. It smelled here. It smelled overwhelmingly of piss. Not animal piss, but human piss. Like someone had pissed in a bucket for 2 weeks straight, came into the woods, and dumped at this exact site. I mean, it was doable but I am questioning everything. As I sit and question my life decision of staying at the Piss Inn, I see an adorable dog, and two women come around the corner of the road on horseback. Ah shit, are these the land owners? I don’t know whose land I’m on.

As they get closer, I say my hellos and get out of the truck to pet the adorable pooch. They are confused as to why I am where I am. And I am confused to see two chicks riding horses in the middle of nowhere. I establish they are in fact not the land owners, just some friends out trail riding with the pooch. Eventually the older woman says, “why don’t you come camp with us?” She’s worried about me being alone. And honestly, I’m sitting is a piss stained camp spot with no real alternatives, I’m down to go camp with the horse folks. They give me some esoteric directions to their camp, so I pack up and head off. I find the camp as they described, and their horse trailers. It was not marked at all and was actually a fun challenge to find! Once there, I collect some firewood and do a bit of writing.

An hour later, the two ladies roll up on horseback, slightly surprised I found the site. We make a fire, I play with Benny, the adorable Australian Sheppard puppy, and am introduced to a cat that was in the horse trailer. Now when I say horse trailer, it’s really like, the first half is a legit camper with bed and kitchenette, and the back half has room for tack and the horses. So the cat was lounging in a sweet room with the screen door closed staring at birds the whole afternoon. I wish I could have brought my Moab on this trip… She would have hated me….

Anyway, I find that the older woman, named Ginger, is retired and just travels all over the state to trail ride horses. Theresa is slightly younger and works as a storm water engineer for the state. On the weekends, they pack up, leave the husbands at home, and ride wherever they feel like riding. I sure hope I have a cool hobby like that when I’m older. Maybe something slightly less expensive though.

For the rest of the night, we chat, drink some wine, and try our best to keep a big fire rolling. When the wood runs out, we go our separate ways to bed. The topic of conversation is a big storm that is going to plow through in the middle of the night. I’m worried about the horses tied up near the trailers, but apparently, they are used to these types of things.

As it turns out, I wanted to get out of Wisconsin all together. I make my way north to Michigan, and muff around the Ottawa National Forest that evening. I eventually came across some free park campsites in the middle of nowhere and decide to settle in for the night. It’s raining, so fire making is a challenge. I get a tiny fire going for about 5 minutes before a downpour comes and ruins all of the dry wood I collected. Such is life. It decided to rain on an off the rest of the night. At least I figured out my truck leak before climbing in. #win.

In the morning, I realize it’s quite cold. Like, upper 40s inching up into the 50s as the sun sets in. Man I haven’t been this cold since Canada. Did I miss the rest of summer?! Is it already fall??! I’m not ready to be cold again!! I decide to drown my worries with a podcast that teaches me everything about hagfish while I make hot coffee in an attempt to warm up. Who knew hagfish were so cool?? They release tiny, tiny, tiny coiled up microfibers from specialized cells that traps surrounding water, creating an amazing slime. This slime acts as a deterrent from fish, as it clogs up their gills if they attempt to eat them. So cool.

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After I finish coffee and my podcast, I head north to the Keweenaw Peninsula in the UP of Michigan. Well, I attempted to make it all the way to the tip of this peninsula to Copper Harbor. There is a bunch of camping out on the water and it looks awesome in pictures. But, I ended up stopping at a roadside park and hiking along the North Country Trail. This trail stretches from New York to North Dakota, and is over 4,000 miles long! That’s insane… I do about 6 miles total, then continue north.

I also ended up stopping in the town of Houghton/Hancock to do laundry. It’s been awhile, and my clothes smell like a dumpster fire again. While I was there, I realized there was a cool little brewery in the downtown area named Keweenaw Brewing Company. I pop in there after laundry and find out pints are $3 and flights are $5. I get a few beers in and realize that a good chunk of time has passed. There’s no way I’ll make it to Copper Harbor by nightfall, and I hear the road leading out to the campsites is 7 miles of intense dirt. So, I found a campsite nearby and decided to stick lower in the peninsula. This worked out well, as I ended up finding a sweet place on a lake near town.

The next morning, I wake up early, get coffee, and head to Copper Harbor. PS it’s named Copper Harbor due to a large vein of copper ore that is prevalent in this peninsula. Native Americans used it for early tool making, and early settlers of the region mined there heavily. Copper mining is still active in the area today.

Anyway, I drive up some amazing back roads until I reach the tiny dot of Copper Harbor. I should have known there wouldn’t be cell service up here, but I was dumb and assumed that if there was a decent sized town, there would be cell service. I was wrong. It was an extremely tiny town jutting out into Lake Superior, so of course there is no cell service. I find the visitor center along the main strip and stop in to learn some shit. I find out there is an amazing bakery with thimbleberry icing that I need to visit, and I get a general idea of the road layout to get to the very tip of the peninsula. I say my thanks, fill up with fresh water, and hit the road to donuts.

The shop was a bakery/fish market. Donuts in the morning and fish in the evening. The owner was working the counter and was extremely friendly. Talked me into two donuts…. After there I headed east to find the tip of the peninsula. Asphalt turned to gravel, then turned to dirt, then turned to two-track, then turned into one large mud pit. The floor of the trail seems solid, and there’s quite a bit of traffic, so I push through the centers of the water with no issues. So different than Florida…

Once at the tip, I see more people than expected. Everyone is out searching for rocks along the lake, but I have no idea why. I mean yeah the rocks look cool, but I don’t know if I’d drive all the way out here just to look for rocks. I later found out there is quite the market for rocks found in this area of Lake Superior, and these people were hunting for rocks to sell. Particularly the Yooperlite, which is a stone that glows neon colors under black light.

There are some sweet camp spots out here, but it’s early in the day and I don’t want to just hang out here until it’s dark. I decide to drive back towards civilization. I’ve passed a few National Historic sites that look like old mining operations, so I decide to stop in and check one out. The visitor center was cool, but the actual mine is on private property and you have to purchase a tour. Eh. I’ll pass. I walk around the outside of the mine and check out all of the old machinery before hopping back in the truck and heading south again.

As I’m driving up here in the UP, I notice there are tons and tons of wild apple trees growing. I am very excited for this. Free apples? Everywhere? And they are ready for picking?? I stop and multiple apple trees and collect “road apples” to sample. PS, they all taste like shit. Super bitter, tart, astringent, and full of insects. I keep trying though. I pick tons of road apples while in Michigan, and only found a few that were palatable. Oh well. It was fun to try.

I find a free campsite as I’m driving south in the town of Moose Rapids. I pull up and there are huge, gorgeous sites along a slow moving river. The only downside is that the first site you pull into has a family that has been living there for some time. Multiple tents, a camper, kids toys everywhere, multiple vehicles, you name it. I take a spot next to them on the river just barely out of eyesight, but I can still hear them talking. Apparently they have been searching for houses to buy in the area, and trying to get showers at those houses to “test them out.” Not a bad plan honestly….

It starts to rain as soon as I pull up, and continues to rain the entire night. There goes my dinner over a fire plans… Oh well. I still have peanut butter.

The next morning, I am woken up by the kids next door getting ready for school. I decide to head out and get going as I’m supposed to near Ishpeming today. I have a friend (Rebecca) that I used to work with at FWC whose family has a cabin on a lake out here. She has invited me to come stay with her and her parents over the weekend to explore their property and the Sauna. I don’t know anything about Saunas, but it sounds like something new to experience, so I’m in!

I had received very specific driving instruction from my friend on how to get to the cabin, as none of the map phone services apparently get it right. Based on the instructions I received, I ended up outside of a cute little red cabin along the shoreline of a lake. I knock on the door, but hear no answer. Ah shit, did I just come to the wrong house??

I call Tom, my friend’s dad, and tell him I think I’m here…. He pops his head out of the cabin, and is completely astonished that I found it! I guess they always give people specific instructions but they don’t pay attention, then their phones bring them someplace totally random. Regardless, I’m here, and I’m ready for cabin life. I go inside and talk to Tom for a bit, but notice that the lake looks super flat and beautiful. I ask, “do you want to go fishing?”

“Are you serious?” He asks.

Of course I am, let’s go! Tom jumps up, puts his shoes on, and starts loading the boat with fishing gear. We push off into a beautiful lake with two rods and some night crawlers. This lake is brimming with blue gill, and just about every cast results in a catch. I’m totally sucked into trying to catch more fish than Tom, but that doesn’t happen. He’s a pro at this. We decide to catch fish for dinner, so we keep our best 6 fish and put them on a stringer.

Back at the cabin, he shows me how he knocks the fish in the head and then perfectly fillets them. Total expert. After fish prep was done, we walk out on the property with the fish heads and bodies to the garden they have. A large compost pile is where the fish will end up. Nothing is waste up here! As we walk back we munch on wild blueberries and black cherries and search for mushroom. Man I wish I had 10 acres to muff around on and search for berries.

In the afternoon, Rebecca and her mom show up from the Chicago area to hang out with us for the weekend. Upon their arrival, we have fish fillets ready for cooking, which they are very excited for. Tom makes his famous fish batter while Janice (mom) cuts up onion rings to fry with the fish and a salad.

I must say fresh bluegill with homemade fish batter was an amazing meal. So much so that I get Tom to share his secret batter recipe with me. I’m not allowed to share it with anyone. Sorry not sorry.

After dinner, it’s time for me to experience the sauna for the first time. I didn’t know this, but the sauna is a very Finnish tradition. Apparently, you have a wood oven in a cedar hut/building. You heat up the oven, and there are these large stones on top of it. You sit in the cedar room, either naked or in a swimsuit, and heat the room to about 190 degrees Fahrenheit, occasionally pouring hot water over the stones on the oven. In conversation, this seems way too hot. But in reality it’s pretty comfortable. Yeah you sweat but it’s not too crazy. They apparently regularly go up to 212. Which I’m not about to do. So, you sit, sweat, then leave the cedar room to go hop in the cool lake outside. It’s initially a shock, but it feels fantastic after a few moments. A little tidbit of intel here, take off any jewelry you have as it heats up much quicker than your skin. I learned this the hard way with my necklace.

I ended up staying for three days at the cabin with Rebecca and her family. It was magical. We fished everyday, had saunas, rode ATVs, foraged for mushrooms and hiked in the local area. I learned a ton about the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and got to see all the touristy things there were to see. Including the Yooper tourist trap, that ended up having way more going on than I would have imagined.

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We also went rock hunting, which is apparently huge up in this area. With iron and copper and tons of other metals and crystals being found up in this area, folks just go out hunting for rocks on the regular. We went to an old iron mining site, and found 1) tons of road apples, and 2) iron/jade mixed rocks. They were neat to see, and heavy as shit.

At the end of my weekend in the cabin, I head east to the town of Marquette. I have a phone interview for the job I applied for, and I need to be in an actual city where there is cell service and internet if I need it. I’ve never done a phone interview, so this should be interesting.

Marquette is a cute little college town. Tons of coffee shops dot the main road, so I find one that looks cute and pop in. Apparently they do their roasting of the coffee beans in the shop, so I sat and watched the process for a few minutes before getting in my car for the interview. All and all the call went fine. So much more awkward when it’s not in person, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m headed to Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore next, so I pack up my crap and drive east. Hoping I can find decent camping near the park!

When I woke up, I realized I was in a pretty decent camp site. The river next to my truck (the East Nishnabotna River) was way bigger than I had imagined. It was still surrounded by corn fields, but at least the tiny postage stamp of the park was nice. I left early in the morning to find some hiking, but there’s just not a whole lot in the area. I settle for the town of Ackney, which has a rails to trails park. If you haven’t heard of this, it’s basically where they just turn non-used railroad lines into paved hiking and biking trails. The trail didn’t offer too much scenery, but it was nice to stretch the legs and be outside in perfect 70 degree temps. Two fun things I came across were a delicious apple tree, and multiple weed plants growing right next to the trail. Note, I did not take any weed, although it looked to be ready for harvest.

After hiking 5ish miles and getting bored of the flat concrete, I decided to find my next camping area. There are a few cool breweries in this town, but I just don’t feel like going. I know, it’s weird. Just kind of want to be alone I suppose. I find a free county owned campground in Swan, IA so I decide to drive that way. The campsite was tight, but let’s be honest. Iowa is boring. It’s corn, soy, maybe some canola, and that’s it. I’ve been in Iowa for 2 days and I already hate it.

Camping was fine. I got a chance to clean out the truck a bit, have a fire, and just chill. The next morning, I was hell bent on finding a hike in a real natural area. Not very easy to find, but I found something of the sorts. The Jacob Krumm Nature Preserve. It was a cute little preserve with a lake and a trail around the perimeter. Nice wide mowed trail with some viewing platforms. Nothing too crazy but at least I got an idea of what Iowa maybe would have looked like if big agriculture didn’t completely destroy it. And I’m not blaming the farmers, we’re all at fault for the destruction of the heartland.

After my hike, I drove into the town of Cedar Rapids which turned out to be pretty damn cute. My new favorite venue to write blogs and do internet things are these coffee/bar places. One area has coffee being brewed, the other has beer taps. I have never seen these types of places before coming through Denver, but they are very popular out here. I love it. I can start with coffee and switch to beer, or just grab a beer and sit in the coffee shop-ish place with no odd looks. I happened to pick a spot overlooking the busy town square. It was a pleasant two hours.

I’m heading into Chicago tomorrow to see my cousin and his wife, so I decide to pick up some wine so I don’t come to their house empty handed. If my Yia Yia taught me anything, it’s that you always try to come to someone’s house with a gift. I haven’t been great about this as I’ve been out in the woods, but now I actually have the chance to pick up something to give my cousin. I find a cute little wine shop and sniff out my favorite Cabernet. It’s called Educated Guess, and I guess I should say it used to be my favorite until I recently tried a red wine blend from Cooper & Thief. Seriously, if you like reds, pick up a bottle.

So, after my pleasant evening on the town I head to a highly rated campsite from freecampsites.net. Well, this was basically a crappy grass parking lot surrounded by barbed wire. It was all around creepy, and even though I was close to a small town I did not have cell phone service. Oh, and it started pouring as soon as I got there.

After a shitty night, I head to Chicago. But not before getting lost while trying to leave this campsite. There are oddly large groups of Amish or Mennonites staring at my truck as I pass on the tiny back roads. I know they are just people that have a belief system that differs from mine, but they still look creepy as shit. All wearing the same thing. Same haircuts, same beards…. I suppose you could say the same thing about hipsters. Or soccer moms….

I get to Chicago around noon, and holy hell traffic is miserable. There are just so many damn people in this town. My cousin has a garage, and sounds confident that my truck will fit so that I don’t have to find street parking. When I pull up and find his house, he directs me towards a minuscule alleyway that’s filled with trashcans and other cars. His garage is absolutely not tall enough, which means I need to find street parking. After exiting the tiny alley with a 10 point turn, I find street parking that appears to not require a permit. Honestly, even if I got a ticket for one night, it would probably cost the same as a parking garage in this area. I’ll be good as long as they don’t tow my truck.

Once parked, I walk to my cousin’s house and meet the animals. I love animals, and they have an adorable golden retriever puppy and a fat cat name Hobie. They both love attention so I could probably sit on the floor and play with them all day. But that would be weird.

My cousin John is on my mom’s side of the family. My mom was the oldest of 5 kids, and she was the only girl. My mother used to tell me that her parents didn’t want a girl, they only wanted boys. And that was pretty obvious, as they didn’t show her much support or affection. The boys played baseball and were doted on for athletics. My mom ended up raising her littlest brother, Mark, for most of her time at home. Regardless, her favorite brother was Andy. He was a sweet human apparently, and always treated my mom fairly and with respect. We all like Uncle Andy, and John is Andy’s kid. Andy did an awesome job raising two lovable, hard working guys, whom I love very much. So, the only reason I’m willing to drive into Chicago is to hang out with my cousin and his wife for a day.

Once I’ve been acquainted with the new puppy and fat cat, Jordan (my cousin’s wife) comes home from a long weekend trip to be with family. She’s tired, so John and I walk to a nearby brewery to grab a drink while Jordan rests for a bit. I learn all about John’s job as a corporate lawyer, and realize that I could never do such a high stress job. He’s having to deal with clients internationally, answering emails and phone calls at all hours of the night if a big deal is moving through. I could never handle the crap that he has on his plate. Or live in a big city. People that enjoy the hustle and bustle of big cities… I don’t get it.

Jordan eventually meets up with us, and we head back to the house to make dinner arrangements. When John asked what I wanted to do for dinner, I said, “anything that embodies Chicago best.” That meant deep dish pizza. I have to say, this decision makes me happy as I love pizza. We get dressed and take an uber to the downtown location of Pizzeria Due. Supposedly the Chicago Uno Pizza is the true original, and Due was the second? I don’t know, something like that. We get there, and there’s an hour wait. Fine, we’ll go grab a beer somewhere and waste some time.

As soon as we order a beer, we get a text saying our table is ready. It has only been 20 minutes… I mean I’m not mad, but now I have to chug a freezing cold IPA. It’s ok, college trained me for this exact moment. We chug our drinks, then waddle over to the pizza shop.

It’s dark in there, and you pretty much have to order as soon as your ass hits the seat. The pizza takes 45 minutes to cook, so you either order quick or end up sitting all night. We order a classic pizza, some apps, another beer, and wait for the food. I have to say, I had a lot of fun sitting a chatting with John and Jordan. I mean, I know my cousin pretty well, but this is only the second time meeting his wife. So, you know, all and all an awesome night out.

When we get back to the house John opens another bottle of wine, we chat for a bit more, then go to bed. I was hoping the fat cat would snuggle with me, but no such luck.

In the morning I leave somewhat early to drive to Wisconsin. I hear lots of people talking about Door County, WI so I decide to make that my next stop. If you don’t know Door, just think of a wannabe Martha’s Vinyard in Wisconsin. Winerys, high end shops, oh and tons of cheese shops. I search around for a cool hike and for the first time in about a month, there are super cool hikes available! Within Potawatomi  State Park, there was a section of the Ice Age Trail, and a few other local park trails that were pretty awesome. I found some water views, but mostly just woods and solitude. I had been missing both in the past few weeks.

After my hike, I head towards the other side of the peninsula to Army Corps property to camp. I don’t know if camping is technically allowed here, but it looks like some other folks have had good success so I’m going to try it out. It’s directly on a dredged canal, so boats are passing by on the regular. I find a quiet spot away from the fisherman and settle in for the night.

Around 2AM, a crazy intense storm decides to overtake the entire state of Wisconsin. I’m watching the radar on my phone as a storm slowly pushes from west to east, soaking the entire region. This would all be fine and dandy except my truck is still leaking. I have finally figured out that the light above the camper top is the new culprit. Even though I silicone that bad boy in before I left, it has apparently broken down and letting massive amounts of water in again. I stuff some dry socks up under the light and attempt to go back to sleep. The water onslaught continues until 6am. I’m wet, the mosquitoes are shit, and I’m ready to get out of Door County.

Around 9am, I get my tired butt to a coffee shop on the water in the town of Sturgeon Bay. The establishment is full of retired rich people talking about how many cars and boats and motorcycles they have. Wearing cardigan sweaters tied around their shoulders. The coffee wasn’t even that great. I get some research done on where I’m headed next, pack up my shit and leave. This town is cute, but boring as hell. Another tiny, rich town on the water in the Great Lakes. I couldn’t handle the cold.

Up next is more driving north. Will I stay in Wisconsin? Get to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan? I don’t know yet. All I know is that I don’t belong in this section of Wisconsin….

Leaving the creepy town of Aurora early in the morning turned out to be a great idea. I landed shortly after at a Starbucks off the interstate, surrounded by massive corn fields and endless irrigation systems. I was somewhere in east Nebraska and there must be a college nearby, as the coffee shop is filled with excited parents. Moms and dads from all over Nebraska were beaming about their kids, and how excited they are for junior to start college. These people, complete strangers to one another, told stories of high school wrestling matches, and prom date failures. I can only imagine my own mother sitting at that coffee shop bragging about my soccer career to complete strangers. It was a bittersweet feeling. I stayed longer than I needed to.

I left Starbucks to head into Omaha. I’m meeting my old friend Lisa at a soccer match. She’s recently become the assistant coach for Creighton University Women’s soccer program, and is taking the responsibility very seriously. Let me tell you a story about how I learned to love Lisa….

It was fall semester 2004, and I was a freshman at Middle Tennessee State University. Why did I choose such a random school? Well I was pretty much guaranteed a starting spot as keeper on the soccer team, as a freshman. Can’t beat that… The incoming class was a wild bunch. You had myself, a crazy chick from south England, a hippy from Austin, TX and some other local kids that I can’t remember. And. You had Lisa. The most intense Norwegian I had ever met. Ok she was the first Norwegian I had ever met, so winning the title of most intense was easy without any competition. I don’t know, maybe all Norwegians are fucking intense and I’ve only had the pleasure of meeting one.

Regardless, Lisa came from a soccer scene that was much more professional than MTSU. She expected the same level of play and intensity that she had in Norway. We both came into the season wanting to win. And we did, we won the conference title for MTSU that season. The first and only title MTSU ever had or will win. But let me explain why we won this title. Lisa was in the same class as me, but she was a bit older. More experienced. When the team was dragging ass, or not taking practice or workouts seriously, Lisa would get in their face and demand a better work ethic. One specific workout session came after the season was already over. We were in the weight training room after losing in the post season. Some of the girls were not working hard, not pushing themselves to get stronger. Lisa gets up, and confronts an older player about slacking. Not finishing reps, not completing the workout in its entirety. The other chick cops an attitude, don’t tell me what to do kind of crap. This is when Lisa starts to throw a punch at the chick but is stopped by the coaches. Told to go outside and chill out. She can’t understand why anyone would cheat themselves in getting better.

Well, I left MTSU after that season. I ended up signing with the University of Central Florida and never looked back. But Lisa and I stayed in touch while she went back to Norway. I loved her intensity, her love for the game, and her undying commitment to make herself better every practice. I like to think I learned a little bit of my work ethic from her that one season.

Fast forward to the future, Lisa came to Orlando multiple times to hang out and go on crazy adventures with me and my friends. She always came to me, and I never made the time to go see her overseas. Now, Lisa lives in the states and I am somewhat near where she lives. I have to make the time to visit. Hence, the only reason I’m in Nebraska.

I get to Omaha around noon and am put in touch with Lisa’s wife Miranda. I find her in the parking lot of Creighton’s soccer field and am led to a cushy box seat with food, beer, and AC overlooking an immaculate AstroTurf field. Damn, this school has some money! Lisa’s game is about to start, so I settle in with a beer and try to learn everything about Miranda. She’s an ER doctor recently out of residency, and is one of the most kind, genuine people I’ve met in a long time. She’s easy to talk to, intelligent, and a perfect fit for Lisa. I’m so thankful she found an awesome partner because she absolutely deserves it. We talk while watching the game, and the head coach’s wife comes up, as well as one of Miranda’s friend and kids. Everyone is chill and enjoying the box seats.

Once the game is over, Lisa comes up and we hang out and drink a bit before heading back to their apt. We decide to grab a drink at a place that’s within walking distance of their apt and people watch as folks come and go from a music festival (Maha Fest). Apparently Lizzo is headlining? I didn’t hear her come on, but it’s still pretty early.

The next morning both Lisa and Miranda have to work, so I chill at a coffee shop until they are done. We go to a cute little section of town for food and drinks, and eventually end up at a joint called the Beercave. It has tons of old arcade games and pinball machines. I’m in heaven. I also apparently suck as Skee-Ball, so all that money spent at Chuck E Cheese was obviously a waste. We get back to the house and Miranda puts on the most random, hilarious stand up comic I have ever seen. Julio Torres has a very esoteric form of comedy, and I dig it. I make them watch Bert Kreischer, who is my favorite comedian at the moment.

The next day, I visit the cutest coffee shop/bike shop in the downtown area. Lisa and Miranda eventually meet up with me, and take me for a quick tour of the downtown area. We end up finding a sweet little sliders restaurant, then head back to the apt. We found a TV series called “Leeds” about the soccer team, and end up watching all 6 episodes. We were totally sucked in, and we are committed fans now. Man this game is huge in England… Big business. I end up going to bed pretty early as I have a flight leaving in the morning to spend a week at home. I say my goodbyes that night and leave as quietly as I can the next morning.  

Flying home was a disaster. I find super cheap parking at the airport and get to the terminal on time. This will be the last instance of anything going to plan on this specific trip. I fly into Chicago with no issues. Here’s where shit hits the fan. The flight to Pensacola boards a little late, which is fine. We all get on the plane and are sent out to the runway. Then, some serious weather starts to roll in. We wait for 2 hours on the tarmac. When there was no end in sight of waiting, the pilot takes us back to the terminal and says “we’re not cancelled, just need y’all to get off the plane. Make sure you take your shit,” or something like that. As soon as everyone is off the plane, they cancel the flight. Crap. Everyone races to the help desk to try and reschedule the flight. My only option is to hop a plane to Houston and then take another flight to Pensacola. I get to the help desk as the Houston flight is about to leave. Double shit. The attendant says, if you run you may make it! I run for about a half mile. Sprint really. And make it to the gate as they are about to shut the door. I’m so out of breath I can’t even tell them what I’m doing. They ask for my name and I feel like a fat kid on a treadmill. Takes a few moments to catch my breath and get the info across to them. I board just in time.

This flight took an extra hour to avoid the weather that was cancelling the other flights, but no bother. At least I’ll be home tonight. As I land and turn my phone back on, I get a message that the Pensacola flight I’m scheduled for is now cancelled. Are you kidding me?? Cas looks online and sees a flight leaving for Pensacola in 20 minutes. Shit. I sprint to that gate and get there right before they close the doors. I show them my ticket for the following, cancelled flight, and they let me on this earlier flight with no issues. Thank you baby Jesus…..

So, that’s how to get your exercise while flying coach.

While I’m home for this week, Cas is having to go to trial as a witness to a murder case. Cas’ last girlfriend was shot in the back of the head over a money dispute. For more information on this case, check out https://www.courttv.com/news/florida-v-ashley-mcarthur-csi-on-trial-for-murder/

It was broadcasted live nationwide. Regardless, I’m glad I get to be home while Cas is going through all of this. She goes up on the stand, and we leave afterwards. My main goal is to keep her distracted and positive while this is going on. After she goes on the stand, we find out that she may get called back at a later time. But my flight leaves Wednesday. Cas calls the airline, and somehow gets them to push my flight back a few days at no charge. Winning! I get to stay for the entire trial, Ashley is found guilty of murder, and Cas and I get a few more days together. Oh, did I mention my buddy Kevin also came up for a weekend while I was home?? We got to explore lots of outside things and stuff, even though he had a gnarley sprained ankle.

After all this craziness is over, I fly back to Omaha and get in super late. I drive to a campsite 30 min outside of town into Iowa and pass out near what sounds like a river. I couldn’t see shit. Hoping I can get through Iowa quickly and up to land that has more than just cornfields.

The next day is spent in the surrounding black hills area. I find a sweet hike off the app All Trails named Buzzard Rock, so I spend the morning hiking and taking in some impressive views of Black Hills National Forest. After my 6 mile hike, I head into the town of Rapid City to work on my resume one more time and to apply for the job I’ve been eyeing. I found a sweet little shop named Pure Bean in an old creamery factory. Almost didn’t find it because they have kept the historical context of the building’s exterior, all while allowing small businesses to take shop inside.

After my relaxing morning in Rapid City, I decide to make the jump to Badlands National Park a few hours away. There’s a free park run campsite just inside the western boundary of the park. If it’s free, it probably means it’s too far away from anything to manage for profit, so I’m expecting just bare bones of a site. And I was right.

Twenty miles of dirt roads brought me to the western entrance of Badlands NP. Buffalo are crossing the road regularly here, and prairie dogs are dotting the right of way. Pretty neat! Another 5 minutes of driving brings me to the campsite, which honestly was just a large circle of dirt road surrounding an impressively large prairie dog colony. I step out of the truck to take some pics of the cuties, but I’m instantly swarmed by biting flies. Dammit. I find a spot and decide to read a bit until it’s cool enough to do any outside activities.

After an hour or so I decide to do some backcountry hiking. This campsite is apparently where most hikers leave from, so there has to be some decent trails or at least neat features to hike to. I get my water, bug spray, GPS, snacks, everything I would need for hiking a few hours. I lock up the truck and head out towards some sweet looking whitish rock structures I can just barely see on the horizon. But, as soon as I step into the tall grass I am instantly mauled by insects. More biting flies, mosquitoes, horse flies, everything. It’s awful. I have a legit cloud of buzzing around me and I’m only 30 steps in. So I do what any good hiker would do in this situation, and completely bail on hiking.

Back at the truck, I decide to just keep reading and drink some of the beers I have acquired along the way. After a few minutes, a family pulls up in the most decked out F150 and offroad camping trailer I have ever seen. This thing is legit. And expensive looking. The dad parks next to me and two kids and wife pop out to survey the site. I watch them make dinner as the kids are messing around the camp area. All good clean fun.

Eventually the wife pops her head over towards my truck and asks if I’d like to come hang out with them. You know what, why not. Anything is better than just chilling alone in my truck in the middle of the bug ridden desert. I decide to make a quick sandwich before going over. Here is my mistake. My tortillas had apparently molded over. I decide to just scratch off the moldy surface and follow suit with sandwich making per usual. This turns out, was not the best decision I have ever made.

I go over to the camp next door and drink a few beers while swapping stories. They are from Milwaukee and in the beer and wine industry. The dad has done tons of car camping and motorcycle camping in his day, and share stories of being stuck for multiple days in the desert. I feel pretty lucky technology has gotten so much better in the past 10 years…

After a few hours I decide to go to bed as I want to get up early to hike. It was a good idea in theory. What actually happened is that I fell asleep with the glass tail gate open on the truck. It was still pretty warm and the bugs had finally died down. Around 1am I was woken up by a crazy intense storm that hit the camp ground. The truck was shaking violently in the wind, water was pouring in over my feet and the lightning looked like strobe lights at a rave. Oh, and I had to puke my brains out over the tailgate in the rain. At least the rain will wash away my vomit sins? I slink back in the truck, close up the glass, and try to find a dry spot to fall back asleep.

In the morning, everything is moist and hot and gross. I pop my head out to see remnants of lunch still attached to the hitch of the truck. I feel weak as shit and tired beyond belief. I stayed in bed/truck until 11am, where I could finally manage to get around to the driver’s seat.

Good think the Badlands aren’t that cool, or I would have been disappointed to be this sick. There were some neat overlooks. Sure. But man this is nothing compared to some of the other areas in Utah. I’m sure it would be more impressive if I had started my trip here, but alas, I did not. The only cool hike I found included an insanely steep ladder that allows you to climb up one of the white stone features. Going up was a breeze, but going down was quite terrifying.

I do my obligatory photo ops and a few short hikes, but quickly realize that I don’t give a shit about this park due to how I’m feeling. A huge storm starts to roll in, so I duck into the back and take a power nap. I love naps.

Once I wake up, it’s still hot and muggy, so I decide to leave the park and find a place to spend the night. There is apparently a spot within the Buffalo Gap National Grasslands that is well rated. I pack up my sick self and start driving south. If you didn’t know, National Grassland really means government owned cow pasture. Seriously. I pull up to the property and there are cattle fences, cattle grates, and a shit load of cows. No bother, I drive through the cow patties and make my way to a nice little knoll with a fantastic view. I’m finally starting to feel human again which is fantastic. I make some delicious ramen noodles and tuck in for the night.

What I was not prepared for the next morning was to be woken up by cows yelling loudly a few feet from my open tailgate. We were both confused by each other’s presence. Once I had figured out where I was and why there were so many cows, I realized it was a beautiful morning and I didn’t feel sick anymore at all. I made coffee and proceeded to plot out how I would get to my next location. I am supposed to be visiting an old friend in Omaha, Nebraska so I need to make my way through the heartland to get there. Looking on the map, there isn’t shit of interest except one National Monument. I stick the address in the GPS and begin my trek out over cow pasture and dirt roads.

While I could take a straight path to Omaha, I realize there is just about nothing of interest in between Buffalo Gap National Grassland and Omaha except a little park name Agate Fossil Beds National Monument. It’s out of the way, but screw it, I like fossils. So I head south to the fossil beds.

Agate Fossil Beds ended up being totally awesome and worth the two hour detour it ended up taking. The first hike was exciting and unexpected. Short, yes, but there were these super cool corkscrew fossils of prehistoric beaver burrows. One really good example was encased in a hilarious phone book looking structure. I did my walk, saw my beaver burrows, then headed up to the visitor center. The exhibits here were pretty incredible and not what I expected. There was a collection there from James H Cook, a cowboy from Texas that arrived in western Nebraska in the early 1870s. Cook had a chance encounter with the chief of the Oglala Lakota tribe named Red Cloud in 1974. Through the next thirty years, Cook and Red Cloud had an amazing and unique friendship unlike anything thing else found in that time period. Members of the tribe from all over would come to Cook’s property and share tools, clothing, pipes, hides, you name it. Cook and the Lakota tribe were tight, and Cook acted as a translator and political ally to the tribe during their friendship. When Cook finally passed in the early 1900s, the family decided to protect and preserve the amazing artifacts he had been gifted over the years, and those artifacts are now held at Agate Fossil Beds NM. So many perfectly preserved pipes and clothing, along with some early photography of Cook and the tribe members. Not my normal area of fascination, but this stuff was pretty amazing.

After admiring the native American artifacts, I decided to do one more hike at the park that originated from the visitor center. This hike led up to where a huge amount of fossils were extracted in the late 1800s and early 1900s. It was a prehistoric shallow lake where large animals apparently went to die. With climate change rampant, the Nebraska plains were shifting from tropical-ish forest to what they are now, dry ass plains. Animals traveled from all over in search of water, and there just happened to be a small lake here. My favorite animal found here was the Beardog. It was discovered in 1981, and was a wolf sized burrowing animal that fed on the dying remains of other dehydrated animals coming to the pond. Basically, a terrifying cleanup crew that lived underground.

After the hike, I decided I needed to get across Nebraska and find a place to camp. I’m supposed to meet my buddy Lisa tomorrow, and I’m still like 8 hours away. I pull up freecampsites.net and find a free city run campground in Aurora, NE that looks nice. I pop in the coordinates and head east.

There is so much damn corn in Nebraska… Like, I don’t think I passed any natural areas while crossing the state. I got into the campground pretty late, and realized there was only one spot remaining next to the dude that appears to be living out of a 1980 Nissan Sentra. There are at least 4 other campers here that are in no shape to be moved, so I’m assuming they are permanent residents. I park in the only open spot and walk to the bathroom and to check the camper information. As I’m walking, a dude in one of the campers pulls out a foldable chair, takes a seat and cracks a beer. Just, facing the parking lot. Alone. No book, no phone, just watching me walk by. I try to wave hi, you know make eye contact and assert my dominance. But he just stares at me. Awesome.

I go pee, donate a few bucks to the camper registration, and walk back to the truck. Again passing the audience of one. I get in the truck, lock the back, and decide to stay put for the rest of the night.

In the morning, I wake up early and decide to leave pretty quickly. This place is creepy as shit. I get dressed, brush my teeth, and search for a coffee shop so I don’t have to be outside in this crappy campground while I make breakfast. I find a cute one online and head to downtown Aurora.

Ok I head to what used to be downtown Aurora. I guess the economy hit this town hard, as none of the shops here are open. Everything is shut down, boarded up and dilapidated. It looks like it would have been cute, but now it appears to be run over by big corn industries. Can’t say I really care… I get back on the interstate and continue my journey east to find coffee and get to Omaha.

So Jenn talked me into staying in Denver. It wasn’t hard really, this town is extremely progressive and geared towards athletic young professionals. Jenn has to work during the week, but promises to take a day off to go hiking with me. At this very same time, I find out that a position is opening up with Gulf Islands National Seashore back home in Pensacola, and I decide to apply for it. In order to apply, I have to totally recreate my resume and CV to fit the federal format. The federal format is awful only because it can only be used for federal jobs. To make things worse, I don’t have Microsoft Word. So, I buy Word, and spend the week creating and tweaking resumes, CVs and cover letters for two job openings. It worked out fine as there are multiple coffee shops within walking distance to Jenn’s house. When I got fed up with working on resumes, I worked at pulling weeds in the backyard. It was good stress relief and I felt good helping my friend out with yard work. Makes me miss home though…

On one of the days, Jenn and I go hiking near Boulder, CO at Indian Peaks Wilderness Area. She picks a hike she’s never done around Brainerd Lake (maybe that’s spelled right), so we pack up the dog, some cold weather gear, and head west. The drive out there was beautiful, as we passed through Boulder and Nederlands. She tells me about her first experience with a flash flood while living in Boulder… Sounds absolutely terrifying. These canyons act as big funnels that lead water towards the valleys and cities.

Once there, my National Park Pass gets us in (still in love with this pass) and we find parking. So many people are out here hiking! On a Thursday morning… Do these people have jobs??

The hike up was beautiful, filled with mountain views, meadows, shallow lakes and snow packs. Jenn takes way too many photos, and I am trying my best to not be out of breath at this altitude. 11,000 feet I think? I don’t want to look like a pussy…

At the top, we notice a storm bearing down on us, or at least it looks like it’s bearing down on us. I have no idea how to read weather in the mountains. We take a few more photos and quickly head down. I forgot to mention, while hiking up I found a purple hydro flask water bottle on the trail. I picked it up and proceeded to ask every person that passed us if they had dropped it. Being purple and dainty, I assumed it was a female’s water bottle. Look at me, gender assigning water bottles. I’m an asshole. Regardless, I found its owner at the top of the hike, and it was a young guy. He was hoping he would find it on his hike back…

Once we got back to the car, Jenn decided we should go find a coffee shop so she can answer a few work emails. Works for me! I love coffee and WiFi so of course I’m in. The shop we find is another Yelp gem. It’s basically a coffee/ice cream/bookstore and the owner is a legit hippy from the 60s. She’s probably my dad’s age but has bleached her hair and dyed it all shades of blue and purple. I instantly love this place. The woman makes us our drinks and tells us to hang out as long as we’d like. We grab a table in the tiny bookstore and begin our work.

As we sit there, I can’t help but notice that we just so happened to set up shop next to the sex section of books. There are so many!! Like, an entire wall dedicated just to this topic. On top of this, a girl and her father are playing the trivial pursuit card game very loudly next to us. All in all, this coffee shop is highly distracting. But Jenn is able to power through… All while I’m stuck reading sex book titles listening to geography questions. Such is life.

When we got back to Denver, we decided we needed to prep for the camping trip that weekend. Apparently, people in big cities don’t do their own grocery shopping? You just go on Amazon and your groceries are delivered to your door in an hour. I would think this is a onetime thing I witnessed, but the same occurrence happened with my cousin in Chicago. Anyway, we picked out groceries online and drew up a game plan of how we were all getting to the camp site tomorrow after the normal people got off work.

Friday finally rolls around, and Jenn gets off work a little early. We load up the dog and groceries in my truck, grab beer and ice, and head to Poudre Canyon. Don’t you just love that name? Poudre. Lol. I thought it was a joke, but no, real name. It takes about 3 hours to get there, which isn’t too bad considering how remote this place is. We find Jenn’s friend Trevor placing flagging tape along one of the dirt roads so everyone can find the camp spot. We try and tell Trevor that the GPS point we sent to everyone will suffice, but he wants to be sure. Can’t blame him, it would be super easy to get turned around back here and there’s no cell phone service.

Once we set up camp and everyone arrives, we get the fire rolling and start cooking dinner. Can’t remember for the life of me what we cooked, but it was delicious. The next morning we wake up early, have coffee, make breakfast burritos, then head out to a hike. There is a sweet alpine lake to check out at the end of this hike Jenn picked out, so we load up our stuff and the dog, and head out towards the trail head. Once there, we see a sweet bull moose in the parking lot. People apparently love moose as much as they love arches…

At the top, there is a crystal clear lake with tons of trout. Like, so many trout it looks like you could reach down and grab one… I don’t know if I have confessed this to the blog yet, but I really wanted to catch a fish with my bear hands while on this trip. This was my moment… I find a stick, attach a knife to the end of it with a shoelace, and wade out into the frigid water. Waiting to strike an unsuspecting trout. The rest of the friends group fashion cane fishing pole out of scavenged monofilament and safety pins as hooks. We are going full out survival mode here trying to catch a trout. Alas, we were not successful, but it was a shit load of fun! It took a solid 20 minutes to get feeling back in my feet, but I didn’t care.

Once we were back at the car, Jenn decides that we need to go check out the visitor center at this State Park. PS the park is called State Forest State Park. Is it a State Park? Is it a State Forest? Is it both? Who the fuck knows!! But, when we roll into the visitor center, we see a volunteer wearing paper moose antlers directing traffic. Um, what is going on? Oh! It’s Moose Fest! Didn’t you know?? Of course we didn’t know, but we happily trot inside to see what Moose Fest is all about!

At the front there is a lady handing out pieces of paper and pencils. It’s a moose trivia scavenger hunt! We strategically set up three teams, divide the questions up among the teams, and head into the visitor center to find our moose facts. Did you know that moose shed their antlers every year, but it’s uncommon to find them because mice eat them once they hit the forest floor?? Crazy. We wander around, pet many moose hides, talk to folks working educational booths, then circle back to claim our scavenger hunt prizes. A tiny stuffed moose and a sticker that says Certified Moose-ologist.

We head back to camp pretty early in the day, and decide to get a game of cornhole running while listening to music, drinking beer, and eating from the largest bag of popcorn I’ve ever seen. A few hours in, we decide to cut open a watermelon that Jenn and I lugged here in the truck. As she cuts in, we realize it’s mealy as shit and completely inedible. Dang. That was going to be a nice cool treat while in the woods. Nevertheless, we found another for it. We’re going to shoot it with the shotgun.

I’m proud to say my first vegan hunting experience was successful! The watermelon basically disintegrated with one shot. That was probably the most red-neck activity that has taken place this entire trip.

We drink, hang out by the fire, swap camping stories, then head to bed for the night. Jenn and I get into the truck and start reminiscing on college days, when a huge storm hits us out of nowhere. We’re dry and warm in the truck, but we’re worried about our friends in tents around us. Not worried enough to get out and check on them obviously, but enough to where we mention it to each other…

The next morning, everyone packs up and leaves for Denver. I decide to stay in the woods a bit longer and write. I’m headed north after this, so no need to go back to Denver. I pass Jenn and her stuff off to her friends and say my goodbyes to everyone. It was difficult to watch everyone roll away. It felt like for just a weekend, that I had a solid group of friends back, and we just took a random camping trip in the woods. Reality sets back in as I stand at camp waving goodbye to everyone. It’s bittersweet.

When I decide to finally leave, it’s not by choice. A huge storm has rolled in again, so I take to the truck and decide to head out. As I drive north, I’m met with some of the most intense storms I have ever seen. The radar is impressive, and the radio is only playing national weather tornado warnings like the weekend top 40 list. I’m pretty sure Casey Kasem is reading them out. Shit. What am I supposed to do? I decide to duck into a rest stop along the highway and wait one of the larger storms out. I’m not the only one here, a herd of bikers show up, and a few more motorists take shelter inside. This storm is creepy…

Of course it passes with no incident, so I continue my drive north to South Dakota. I’m trying to get to the Black Hills to camp. I don’t have a great preconception of what South Dakota is, so I have no idea of what to expect. I get in to a campsite at the black hills around sunset, and realize that this natural community feels oddly like home. Pine trees, check. Low herbaceous cover of grasses and forbs, check. Tons of cool flowers, check. Damn this feels just like the longleaf pine ecosystems that I left in Florida! Except, these pine flatwoods exist on the tops of huge rocky plateaus. But minus that, just like home. It’s beautiful, and cool, and smells like fresh deep woods. Who would have thought I would like South Dakota so much!

In the morning, I wake up early and head to one of the main destinations that brought me to the Dakotas, Devil’s Tower National Monument. I learned about this place from my coworker Bryan at FWC. We would be discussing a construction project that could have imperiled species impacts, and while on Google Earth we would occasionally get stuck looking at crazy natural features. Like, you’re trying to zoom in on FL but get caught looking at lava beds in New Mexico. Some stuff just looks incredible on aerial maps… One of the oddities we stumbled across was Devil’s Tower.

No one really knows how it was created, but there are a few theories. Here’s my favorite… There used to be a volcano at this location, and the tower was actually a plug of igneous rock deep underground. It solidified, and over time the surrounding rock and sediment eroded away, leaving the volcano plug exposed. Solid enough theory…

After walking around the herds of people photographing the tower, I head over to the town of Spearfish to finish resume work and to get some coffee. I also visited a brewery aptly named Spearfish to get a flight of local beer. The best part of the brewery was the logo.

Leaving the brewery, I decide to go ahead and knock out Mt. Rushmore while it’s still daylight and decent weather. A 20 minute drive brought me to the most touristy town outside of Rushmore. Keystone Heights? There are tons of shitty motels, steak houses and putt putt golf places. I get to the entrance of Mt. Rushmore to see that I have to pay $10 to park at the monument. Sigh… I guess I have to right? I park in a monstrous parking garage and walk with the herds of visitors.

Once there, I realize that the monument is under massive construction. Most everything is closed down. Everything except the restaurant and gift shop… I can see the heads a little bit, but nothing grandiose. I take a pic, then immediately walk back to the truck. Total waste of time, but still had to be done I suppose. The only positive of Mt. Rushmore was that it led me to a sweet camping spot in a different section of the black hills. This spot was pretty close to the main highway, but remote in the sense that no one came this way. It was just a bit too rough for passenger cars. My favorite type of trail.

As I settle in for the night, I realize I need one more day to finish my resume and apply for the park job I’m eyeing back home. So, probably another day here in the black hills. Doesn’t sound so bad…